Reflections of a Gestational Surrogate

I wrote this for Madison the week before she was born:


2 Samuel 24:24
“…I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God offerings that cost me nothing.”

My Dearest Madison,

While pregnant for the first time, I picked out two names—Madison for a girl, and Conner for a boy. At 20 weeks, I found out the baby I carried was Conner. I felt overjoyed to find out Conner would join our family, but because I had picked out these two names and had visualized both babies, I felt like I had lost my Madison, and I couldn’t bring myself to use the name when I got pregnant with my second child, a little girl we named Kennedy.

When your parents told me they had chosen Madison for your name, I realized that YOU are the Madison I pictured over ten years ago. I didn’t lose you, you just weren’t ready to be born yet, nor were you intended to be mine. I was destined to carry a Madison—just not for myself.
You will never live with me, although you have lived inside of me for nine months. God called me to carry you and help you grow to a healthy, strong baby for your Mommy and Daddy. Although you and I are not genetically related, an umbilical cord physically connects us. Once our journey together comes to an end, your parents will cut that cord—forever separating us physically; however, we will always share a special bond.

I want you to know that I’m not giving you away, for you were never mine to begin with. God created you specifically for your Mommy and Daddy. I prayed for you the day you were created. I prayed for you the day the doctor put you in my womb. I pray for you when I feel you wiggle around inside of me. I will continue to pray for you all of my life.

I will always love you, but not the way a mother loves her child. I feel toward you the way I feel toward my nieces and nephews. I feel fiercely protective of you, and I love to play with you—I poke at you and watch you push back through my stomach. But I know you have two parents who desperately love you and yearn for the day you will join their family. I love to let your Mommy and Daddy put their hands on my tummy and feel you move, and I look forward to the day when you will finally meet each other for the first time. I feel so blessed and honored to be able to give them the gift of having a baby girl to love.

Thank you for sharing these nine months with me, for letting me feel your first little kicks and your first hiccups. Thank you for letting me watch you grow safe inside my womb.
The time is near for you to emerge from your cocoon. So fly away my sweet little butterfly—our journey together is almost complete.

Madison has arrived

After MUCH drama and an emergency C-section, Madison made her debut on Monday, July 7th. She weighed 7 lbs. 6 oz. and was 20 inches long. Conner actually came closest to guessing her stats--he guessed 7 lbs. 7 oz. and 20 inches long. She was born on 7/7 at 7:10 pm and weighed 7.6--I guess 7 is her lucky number. She is doing well. Lisa says she's a wonderful baby--she usually only cries when she's hungry or getting changed.


Our birth story in pictures:

Monday, in-between contractions

Paul and Lisa with Carole, Paul's mother

Here's a picture of me after I got the Stadol. If I named this picture, I'd call it "Sheer Misery". I had a bad reaction to the Stadol--I'm pretty sure it was like an acid trip gone bad.
Then my blood pressure dropped really low--twice, and each time I received an Epi--just like on ER. That wasn't pleasant either. It made me cry hysterically. Finally, Madison's heart rate dropped, so we were whisked down the hall with the anesthesiologist poking me as they were running me down the hall asking if I could feel it.

Before I knew it, I heard a baby crying--they hadn't even finished hooking everything up. I was amazed they could get her out so fast.

It wasn't the delivery I had dreamed of...with the doctor handing Lisa her baby and Paul cutting the cord as I watched their faces when they met their daughter for the first time. But, she arrived safely, and that's what matters. They only let two people into the delivery room with me. Paul and Lisa were so generous to let my mother come in with me, so Paul missed the birth.

Can you see Mom up by my head? Doesn't she look cute in that hair net?

And here is the beautiful Madison

She doesn't look like it was a cake-walk for her either.

Madison, finally where she belongs in her mother's arms

I get to see Madison for the first time. Lisa watched the doctor sew me up. She said she saw all my organs. She's seen parts of me my husband hasn't seen!

Here we are Tuesday morning. We were both feeling (and looking)better.

Everyone keeps asking me how Kennedy has handled this. She's great. Lisa was wonderful about letting Kennedy hold and feed Madison. Kennedy loves taking care of Madison, but understands that she is Paul and Lisa's baby. The most difficult thing for Kennedy has been waiting for me to recover from the C-section so we can enjoy the things we used to do together.

I feel so blessed to have been part of this miracle. God called me to help this family have a baby, and I feel so blessed he chose to use me. Paul and Lisa are so happy, and it feels wonderful to know I was able to be a part of that.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God--this is a spiritual act of worship" Romans 12:1

Kennedy Quips

Kennedy talks to Baby Madison through my belly button. The other day she put her hands on my belly, one on each side, put her mouth on my belly button, and very firmly said:
"Madison, quit making my Mommy have attractions. They hurt her."

The night before last, we were lying on my bed together, and she wanted to talk to Madison again. This time she said:
"Madison, you are going to get to see Paul and Lisa, and Monday the doctor is going to get you out so don't worry, and you get to see your Mommy and Daddy, and good night, Madison, and I love you, Madison."

Ever notice how four year-olds speak in run-on sentences? I thought it was precious.

Time to Guess

We are to be at the hospital at 8:00 am Monday morning. So, it's time to guess this baby's weight. You saw the ridiculous picture of my tummy last week--how big do you think she is?

Stats:
Conner weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz. 19 1/2 in. long
Kennedy weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz. 19 1/4 in. long

Of course, this baby has completely different genes.

Guesses so far:
David: 7 lbs. 13 oz.
Mom: 7 lbs. 12 oz.
Dad: 6 lbs. 12 oz. (Thank you, Daddy! Way to be optimistic!)
Grandma: 8 lbs. even
Paul: 7 lbs. even 20 1/2 in. long
Lisa: 7 lbs. 5 oz. 21 in. long (Lisa first guessed 6 lbs. 12 oz. but when I pulled up my shirt, she changed her guess!)
Conner: 7lbs 7 oz. 20 in. long
Aunt Jan: 8 lbs. 4 oz. 19 in. long

I'm guessing 7 lbs. 8 oz. 21 in. long

Just e-mail or put your guess in the comments section, and we'll see who gets closest. Should it be "the nearest bidder without going over" or just the closest?

Please be praying for us tomorrow. I have felt God called me to do this from the beginning, so pray that He will give me the strength and courage to see this through tomorrow.

Fun at the Water Park

Here are other pictures from the water park last Saturday:

Kennedy in her pink goggles that allow her to swim like a fish.

Mom and Sabrina